How to find lasting peace and prosperity through Forgiveness

I Would Love to be Free

julette@myforgivenesskit.com (Julette Millien) — Mon, 28 Dec 2009 16:02:00 GMT

I was searching the web for a picture. I wanted to find something appropriate for my blog on forgiveness - of self and within families; I hadn't decided yet which it would be today.

But when I saw this I just had to share it with you. See other beautiful entries at this site.

What can you be free from feeling today? How can you honor your light within? Will you change your internal dialogue today?

What a gift to give to the world...the authentic and wonderful you. The forgiven you.

Wishing you an abundance of love, light and joy.

Today and always.
Julette
♥

Forgiveness - Plan•Act•Learn

julette@myforgivenesskit.com (Julette Millien) — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 18:16:00 GMT

Planning, Acting and Learning (PAL) (see last blog entry for overview of PAL) is required for ALL activities. So why not for the act of forgiveness?

To be successful at anything in life, we have to do what is required to make it happen in the way we envision. We don't want to set out on a journey and then discover we are ill-equipped to complete it. Preparation and planning is essential.

So with forgiveness, planning would entail some reflection. You want to be still, get quiet and clear about what you're hoping to accomplish.

What do I really want with this process of forgiveness? What is my purposeand intention?
What do I want to see happen for me and for the other person?
How will I approach this - ceremoniously or actually?
If so what's my medium of communication, location, etc?
What's the plan if something unexpected happens?

After reflecting on these and other questions of your choosing, it's a good idea to write a few of your thoughts down and see where they lead. Writing is therapeutic and enlightening. Even more clarity about your plan will unfold as you write.

Then, taking action. There really isn't much to say about this step. You simply have to take the action you planned to take. If not, you have a nice lovely plan with no air or life in it.

Take action when and how you intended. Forgive the person. Say out loud if this is being done ceremoniously.

Place a seat to represent the person in front of you and say "_______, I forgive you and release you from ALL blame. I will not carry a grudge about this matter any more. I take responsibility from this point on for how I choose to understand and feel about what has transpired. You will not be blamed anymore."

Sometimes in person, if the person was unaware of how you have responded to the situation, this forgiveness process may open more wounds than intended. So KNOW your situation and the person involved. Do what is best for your particular situation. Sometimes they don't even need to be involved as forgiveness is primarily for you in any case.

If the real situation is known to all and the forgiveness would be understood and appreciated, then by all means, involve them in the process.

Once the decision is made to forgive, you have started the process. The planning and action are the actual steps you take to make it real in your life.

However, this is not the end of the process, it is actually the beginning. Because the LEARNING step in P•A•L is where the healing continues and the forgiveness action takes hold.

What do you need to learn? After any major action is taken in life, we need to look back and grab the lessons learned. This will cut down significantly on the number of mistakes we make again and again in life. If we would just learn our life lessons the first time, so much of life is left to be lived at a higher and more joyous level.

So how do you do this? Look back at what took place and your reactions. Were you surprised at some of your reactions? Would you have handled anything differently? How so? What are you most proud of with how you managed this process? A key during this step is to focus your attention on YOU. Often we want to fix everyone else when really it's only our own self we can change.

To take your learning to another level, think of how others can benefit: Think about ways to apply what you’ve learned.

Who can you help with forgiveness?
Which of your friends can you start a dialogue with on the subject?
Who seems weighted down with past hurts?
How can your business benefit from a forgiveness mindset?
Which segments of your community needs to be forgiven or needs to be apologized to?

You don’t have to start immediately but it is important to look forward to stepping out into the world (starting with your family perhaps), and sharing this knowledge. You now have a new life skill and helping others would be a wonderful way of getting even better at it.

Planning taking action and then learning is a powerful 3-step success strategy for any undertaking. Apply to your forgiveness journey and you'll be amazed at how much further you go in less time. Make a plan, take the action and then learn the lesson.

I wish you an abundance of peace, joy and love,
Julette Millien
♥~

Plan•Act•Learn - Everyone must have a PAL!

julette@myforgivenesskit.com (Julette Millien) — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 21:56:00 GMT

Everyone must have a PAL!

Does that sound too mushy, too simple to you? We all, each of us must have a PAL in order to accomplish whatever it is we set out to do.

Even though you’d probably agree with me if I was stating this literally….that every human being needs another human in order to be successful…in this context, I have a different meaning. I like that this has two meanings though. Both are equally true. No one person can get anywhere in life without the help of someone else.

Likewise, you simply cannot expect any level of success without a PAL…a Plan, Action and the readiness to Learn.

This is the approach to life, to projects and to all undertakings that will lead to success. We call it our success formula.

You must create a plan…the “P” in PAL… by first being clear on your intentions. See the vision; be clear on the beliefs underlying the vision. Remember, you’ve got to believe something before you’re able to see it. What would you like to see happen? When you’re clear on that, create your plan. Make it plain.

Can you even imagine any kind of success without action? It’s not possible. So after coming up with your plan, you MUST take action….sow the seed to reap the benefits.

Then, in order to truly have that action reap the benefits that you intended to reap, you must reflect, and Learn from your actions. That’s the “L”in PAL. When you learn from your actions, you’re able to take those insights into another life situation and put an end to having to learn a particular lesson over and over again. If we would only take the time to truly get a lesson the first time God gives it to us, we would free up so much time and energy for higher lessons.

So you’ve got to have a PAL…a plan, take action and learn something. Take this success formula and apply it to everything that you do in life. It’s guaranteed to produce magnificent results. And don’t be too quick to push it to the side on the basis of its simplicity. Most of life’s principles are very simple. But do we do what we know is right? If we would only apply a tenth of what we know to be true, our life would be 100% improved.

Tomorrow I'll take a look at applying PAL to forgiveness goals. As you can imagine it adds significantly to your success on your forgiveness journey.

Wishing you love & light,

Julette Millien

♥~

Forgiveness is SO much more than I Forgive You

julette@myforgivenesskit.com (Julette Millien) — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 17:00:00 GMT

Surrender it all, not just a piece. Well, that is IF you really do want lasting peace. Arms outstretched, heart light, mind open. This is the body language and mind-set of total release.

Forgiveness is not only to do with releasing people from your grasp of blame and pain.

Forgiveness is not only to do with releasing yourself from blame and shame.

Forgiveness is also about releasing fears, concerns, anxieties, doubts, limiting thoughts,sabotaging thoughts and emotions. It's about having a mindset of peace. Peace can't exist where fear lives. To have the spirit of Love/God work in your life, your heart must be at peace. Being upset about things, insisting on BEING HEARD, having thoughts that limit your vision and your potential are all seeds (and outcomes/harvests too!) of negativity. You can decide to fight for being right or be right about what you fight for. The only way to be right is to choose love as your motivator. Love has nothing to do with limiting thoughts and an upset disposition.

What can you release today? Are there limiting, nagging thoughts and emotions that have consumed your sub-conscious life for as long as you can remember? Do you sometimes - and pretty consistently, doubt your capabilities, your actions and decisions?
Is there a long held fear or anxiety you have come to describe as 'how I am?'

What can you release today? Sit quietly and reflect.

Once you have an idea of the thing to release, sit somewhere quietly and breathe, deeply and slowly.

Then after about 5 deep diaphragmatic breaths, extend your arms as high as they can go,expanding your chest as much as it can go and say "I SURRENDER IT ALL." Say it loud, say it clear and say it with conviction.

Do this as often as the thing surrendered comes to visit. It will return...when you open the door a bit, it will show up.

Old habits are resilient and persistent. You have to decide to live the life crafted by your highest dreams and your best self OR the one driven by fear and lack.

Decide today! This way you get to have a MAGNIFICENT weekend.

Wishing you an abundance of lasting peace, joy and light,
Julette Millien
♥~

Shame and Guilt - When is it too much?

julette@myforgivenesskit.com (Julette Millien) — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 19:47:00 GMT

Does it ever serve any good purpose? I had to tweet a quickie on this news story a moment ago.

Reading this story about an Iowa person who sent $500 to a college where s/he stole something back in 1955 (!!) made me ponder this thought..."what purpose do they serve, guilt and shame?"

In his/her note, the writer shared how this act of stealing a transistor radio some 44 years ago created shame yet insufficient resolve and is now asking for forgiveness...from school officials and from God as well.

I had to wonder - what did 44 years of this shame, inaction and mindset cause him/her to endure? Did their self-image suffer? Was there a cloud of negativity around their celebrations? Did they parent differently? Were they quickly forgiving of others? Or did they hang onto to bad feelings longer and stronger?

What did they put themselves through...UNNECESSARILY...for 44 years? As the college president said, s/he would've been forgiven for this act so long ago, if forgiveness was needed. I wonder if a big deal was made of this missing radio back when it was stolen...perhaps this is how it got blown out of proportion in this person's mind? I don't know, but whatever the explanation it is a sad commentary on how we process wrong doing in our culture, for the most part.

We HANG ON to "stuff" way too long. Whether it's towards ourselves or to others, we hang on to negative baggage with compulsive and deeply rooted story lines.

A bad thing is done...a small thing even, and BINGO...we suddenly go into a kind of emotion overdrive. We feel bad, which feeds the unresolved bad feelings of yesterday, stirring things up all over again. Before we know what's really happening, we're having complete reviews and flashbacks of all the wrongs we have done in all the years we have lived.

This is how I remain stuck in pain for years. The sad, or even sadder thing was with me, it wasn't even something I HAD DONE wrong. It was a wrong done to me as a child and yet the shame and guilt was mine for years and years. An earlier post explains...
The cycle can only be broken with a change of heart and mind.

Decide to forgive...yourself for what was done AND for feeling shame and guilt beyond what would be a healthy part of remorse
Then decide to make amends however possible, to the person(s) offended

If you were the one offended or violated:

Loose the shame and guilt immediately - YOU ARE NOT the things done to you
Decide what's more important - being right and hurt, burdened with pain OR being light and lifted up with joy and peace ( I know, not even a fair question but it often does come down to those choices)

Guilt and shame - do they serve a purpose? Remorse, feeling badly about doing something as you feel empathy for what you have caused is fine if it propels you into action to make amends, provide an explanation and offer an apology. Beyond that, remorse becomes guilt and shame and they serve absolutely no good purpose.

It's rather self-indulgent really...to get all consumed with your own bad feelings, instead of getting to the business of making things better for everyone, including yourself.

OK...I hope some guilt or shame got dislodged as I wrote and as you read. What a cozy home they create for themselves in our psyche! They become part of our personality and our story. Be careful, be vigilant!

Be well,
Julette Millien
♥♥♥

Teaching Your Child About Forgiveness

julette@myforgivenesskit.com (Julette Millien) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 18:39:00 GMT

What can you do to teach the forgiveness life lesson to your children?

I can't imagine that an explanation is required for this question. Teaching our children those life skills and mindsets that are necessary for lasting peace, love, joy, prosperity, success, seems a bit more than obvious. Is forgiveness a necessary mindset? Absolutely. Just think of life without it. Think of even one day without it.

Not teaching our children about forgiveness is like not teaching them about love. Teaching them doesn't necessarily mean lectures, pen and paper and boring. The following suggestions are part of the flow of life and they have blessed us immensely!

Our Top Seven:

Model it - I make sure my children and all those young people I spend time with observe forgiveness in action. They see me saying with sincerity to people who push and/or fall into me by accident, "it's OK, no problem, don't worry about it." They observe us accepting apologies very easily and even lovingly if the person is very uncomfortable. They see us being helpful to people who have offended us. They're accustom to us being the peacemakers and communicators. They observe us in traffic. Even if they don't always practice what we do, we know they have the right model implanted on their hearts.
Discuss it - Find it in movies, news stories and tv shows, pull it out and talk about how the characters handled different situations and whether the story was more interesting with or without it.
Get personal - Ask about their friendships and their arguments with friends, siblings and other family. Hear how they're thinking about forgiveness, love and relationships. Gently guide and be there when needed.
Get scriptural - Find relevant scriptures and read the stories around the scripture together. All religions have something or a lot to say about forgiveness.
Provide examples - If you can't find human examples, go observe how a dog operates with your children. They can be ignored for hours and with but one call, they're back in your lap loving you like nothing ever happened.
Read together - Find some stories at their reading level and some way above with forgiveness as a theme. Take turns reading out loud. Discuss and share different endings for the stories...with and without forgiveness.
Forgive them easily - You have the opportunity to practice this daily - well, we do! When children receive the gift of forgiveness for things they think are pretty big, they really get a huge dose of compassion, mercy and grace. That goes a long way in their hearts. They will remember that sensation when something "big" happens to them and they have to forgive someone.

Forgiving them does not mean there are no consequences. When they experience compassion ALONG with the consequences they have reaped, they're able to focus on one thing -the lesson behind the consequences, instead of the guilt, hurt or anger attached to not being forgiven.

These actions have reaped huge benefits in our home - increased family time, better students, more laughter and joy and love. Try it and tell me how it works. And if you have any other suggestions, please share!

Wishing you abundant peace and joy,
Julette Millien

♥~

Forgiveness Role Models, Who Were Yours?

julette@myforgivenesskit.com (Julette Millien) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 20:22:00 GMT

As with everything else, we learn forgiveness from those we are exposed to as we grow up.

The experiences of childhood have lasting impact. If we observed forgiveness in action, whether we practice it or not, we still know what it is all about. We may make decisions that are contrary to our teachings (overt or subtle) but what we have learned is still there for the doing. If we observe a lack of forgiveness, the same holds true. We can make a decision to be completely different from what we have learned. But if we don't have an awareness of the cause, we can go around behaving in a way that even we don't understand.

If you're trying to be forgiving yet the pull on your heart to remain where you are -- angry or upset or numb or disconnected is persistent, you might want to examine the roots of your forgiveness attitude and aptitude.

It's not just about what you know is right or what you want to do today...it's also about confronting the source of your attitudes and inclinations; A source that may go far back into childhood. [I don't mean you need to confront that person or people...I mean, confront your own memories and resulting disposition.]

Who were your forgiveness [or unforgiveness] role models as you grew up?
What are some of your memories of these people?
Do you recall observing people who were hurt about something and they seemed to never get over it? [I do!!]
Did you have someone in your life who actually talked to you about how important it was to forgive people? [I don't recall ever having that conversation.]
When you quietly reflect on your past, what memories - stories, conversations, pictures, people, movies, books, etc, do you recall that are connected to your present posture on forgiveness?

It would be helpful to write out some of these memories and insights. Make the connections, doodle and draw if you can...create a visual of what you remember.

Then...of course there has to be a THEN!...look at the information objectively. Yes, it's possible to try your best to be objective. Decide which memories and teachings have served you well and which have to be released.

The ones to release should be lovingly dismissed. No need for anger towards folks who taught you unhelpful life lessons. Just decide that people did the best they could with what they had and now it's your responsibility to do the same thing; the BEST you can with your improved knowledge and insight.

And the best we can do does not include hanging on to negative emotions of regret, guilt, anger or hostility. As we remember and know more about why we are the way we are, it should be empowering. It should cast light on the connections.

With improved and accurate knowledge, there is power. The power to take steps towards true and lasting forgiveness which is the only path to lasting peace and prosperity.

So reflect on who and what impacted you as you grew up...who were your forgiveness role models?

Wishing you peace, light & joy,
Julette Millien

You can also reach me at www.facebook.com/JuletteMillien

Forgiveness Begins at Home!

julette@myforgivenesskit.com (Julette Millien) — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 19:24:00 GMT

Home in this case is SELF. Forgiveness must begin with you. Forgiveness is really primarily about forgiving your self first. The rest is much easier when that is done.

In thinking about this truth, I had to search myself...Have I forgiven myself, for instance, for not updating this blog in so very long?

I realized that I was blocking my own progress with a healthy dose of guilt about it! But it was not obvious to me. I called it 'just being too busy' when really I was avoiding it. There was an uncomfortable feeling attached to the thought of 'let me do a blog post.' That uncomfortable feeling came from my guilt around not doing it for so long.

Now the guilt wasn't reasonable. Guilt never is!

I have not been slacking off, being irresponsible or idle. There are excellent explanations for my absence...for the first few weeks or so. Now beyond that, time could have been made and that's where the guilt came in. But still, even though I could have done better in this regard, the pace and 'fullness' of my life should permit me to let myself off the hook. BUT, Nooooooo, that's too easy for the guilt center!

This bad feeling that kept coming up wasn't desire to get to it, or anxiety about not being of service...it was GUILT. I didn't see that until today. The guilt led to avoidance, which led to even more guilt and then to even more avoidance.

Anyway, so I forgave myself and here I am. This post is what I used to kick myself in the butt.

I hope you forgive yourself for any and ALL undone work. Hanging onto the guilt will only retard your progress out of the hole...so forgive and move on.

Wishing you an abundance of peace, joy and light,
Julette Millien
♥~

L•O•V•E & Forgiveness

julette@myforgivenesskit.com (Julette Millien) — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 20:40:00 GMT

Friday Forgiveness Tip:

Let L•O•V•E be your guide...

Let it go - Release it all; is it really worth holding on to hurt and pain?

Own your part - be accountable for YOUR OWN actions

Vary your heart over time (look up “vary” and see why this is powerful!)

Empathize deeply - with yourself, with those responsible for the damage, with ALL.

Apply this NOW and I guarantee you a SPECTACULAR weekend!

Love & Light

Julette Millien

♥~

21 Days of NO COMPLAINING

julette@myforgivenesskit.com (Julette Millien) — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 18:40:00 GMT

Inspired by Dr Therman Evans this 21 day challenge will transform you!

A commitment to compliments expands our universe. We are so comfortable being negative or at least, 'not positive' that we hardly notice the self-sabotaging thoughts and discouraging comments that flow out of our mouths on a regular basis.

This 21 day challenge will bring tremendous awareness. Just by attempting to be more positive, you will notice the negative tendencies and have more power over your own thoughts and emotions.

I've been doing this for the entire month of July and it has been TRANSFORMATIONAL! Negativity is surely not all gone but I am aware and so much more empowered now.

The joy it brings to be kind and thoughtful and loving in a deliberate and intentional way, is just magnificent.

Here's what we were asked to do at Morning Star Community Christian Center by our Pastor, Dr. Evans. He asked that we:

1. Refrain from negative comments: speak positive and think positively about our self, family, friends, neighbors and others.
2. Complain about nothing: be complimentary about everything and everybody.
3. Look for what is good in everything.
4. Ask God for a transformation (Romans 12:1-2).

[Take me to the next level of promise, take my relationship to the next level of promise, take my church to the next level of promise]

I'd like to use these directions as a guide. They worked well.

With sustained and focused effort for 21 days straight we are able to create a new habit...the research does show this; experience as well. We've done several of these 21 day - create a new habit events on Facebook and the results have been amazing.

This time, the goal is not simply to create a success habit in 21 days.

The goal is to remain aware and maintain the intention to harbor no negative thoughts, seek and give compliments for 21 days straight.

If this takes longer for some or even many people, that's OK. We're after 100% effort, not perfect results. It's in the mis-takes that much insights and revelations will be buried.

So bring on the slips and falls, that's how we will learn and grow over the 21 days we spend together.

You can do this from any place in the world and at any point of your life.

Join us - I promise you, you will be transformed!

Join the Facebook event "21 Days of NO COMPLAINING here ►http://www.new.facebook.com/event.php?eid=113145558924&__a=1

I'll be blogging and sending simple exercises to you...please share your insights, participants will be enriched by your experience.

Wishing you an abundance of love and light,
Julette
♥♥♥

Prof Gates and His Conditional Forgiveness

julette@myforgivenesskit.com (Julette Millien) — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 23:10:00 GMT

As I read about the recent incident with Prof Gates of Harvard University something he said jumped out at me. “Gates said he'd be prepared to forgive the arresting officer "if he told the truth" about what the scholar called "fabrications"in the police report.” See article here.

Since when do we wait for the truth to be told or even for an apology before we forgive? Having this frame of reference will make it harder to forgive across the board. We often don’t get apologies, or facts corrected. If we decided to withhold our forgiveness under these circumstances we’d be walking around with a whole lot of baggage.

Granted Prof Gates is not thinking of this primarily from a personal perspective of keeping a grudge or extending forgiveness. I imagine he would like to see this incident used as a learning opportunity for the police department in particular and for national race issues in general. I hope for his sake his anger has abated and he’s operating now from a more self-less perspective.

Forgiveness is ours to give. Granted. But if we’re going to give it, we can’t have conditions attached. It misses the whole point. Maybe he needed to attach a condition of another sort. This condition suggests that Prof Gates believes his forgiveness is a gift to the policeman. This is a myth of forgiveness as it is primarily a gift to the person who is doing the forgiving and to all those who can benefit from his wisdom, calm and potency.

Forgiveness is for HIS peace of mind and for his effectiveness as an agent of change. Not much gets done in anger.

“Anger is the enemy of non-violence and pride is a monster that swallows it up.” Mohandas Gandhi

"I have learned through bitter experience the one supreme lesson to conserve my anger, and as heat conserved is transmuted into energy, even so our anger controlled can be transmuted into a power which can move the world."

— from Gandhi the Man, by Eknath Easwaran, Nilgiri Press.

I know Prof Gates is not a man prone to easy or lingering anger. I know this is not the message he wishes to send. I know he has a much larger and honorable agenda than his personal anger. The average person won't place his comments in political or policy perspective though. They'll hear anger.

Somehow I don’t think he means this literally – that he would forgive him IF… But unfortunately the message it sends to all those who look up to him as an informed and humble person is that this is how forgiveness works; we wait to get the facts straight or for an apology. I wish he could take it back or explain it further.

Another story of a mother who lost her daughter to a hit and run accident could teach Prof Gates a thing or two. This Mom, Kim Ferrell said to the man who killed her daughter – with much pain in her eyes, “I forgive you.” This was right before his sentencing and before he even offered an apology.

"Who am I not to forgive Mr. Payne?" Ferrell later said. "If I don't forgive him, then I'm no better than the mistake he made."

THAT is the truth!

Our community needs to observe our Harvard scholar living that truth so he, the arresting officer and the community can move forward into a “power than can move the world.”

Wishing you an abundance of peace and light,

Julette Millien

♥~

My Top Five Myths About Forgiveness

julette@myforgivenesskit.com (Julette Millien) — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 19:27:00 GMT

I think it's clear that people generally WANT to be happy and at peace.

Life experiences may train us to be comfortable with other states of existence, BUT when we are in our most healthy and balanced state, we WANT happiness, joy and success.

So when I consider why people CHOOSE to not forgive themselves and others when all facts, information and inclinations point in that direction, I have to reflect on what took ME so long to get smart about forgiveness.

I walked around for decades in the dark on the subject. Well not completely.

I knew from a young age that I wanted to forgive the men who violated me. I read up on love and forgiveness and really did try to walk the scriptural and spiritual talk of love and forgiveness.

But there were beliefs buried in my thinking that stood in the way. Way beneath the water line, I had unconscious beliefs affecting my conscious thoughts and emotions. I had to do some digging and honest reflecting.

Research has shown again and again the power of the unconscious mind. It took real work to ‘go below’ and face my beliefs.

But I did and I discovered or uncovered the myths about forgiveness that I walked around with, stopping me from finding true and lasting peace.

See if you can relate to any of them and if you have others, please share them below.

Top Five Myths:

Myth # 1

By forgiving someone you give them permission to hurt you again. I didn't realize it but I did believe this. Somehow I felt that by forgiving these horrible people I would be giving them OR OTHERS LIKE THEM permission to treat me as badly as they did. I thought I'd be saying "what you did wasn't so bad, and I didn't really mind, so here do it to me again." This is absolutely false.

Myth # 2

Forgiving someone means it didn't hurt that much. The damage done to my life is not that great. Very much like myth #1, I believed that the way I could show them and the world how much damage was done was to stay hurt, and affected by the trauma. FALSE.

Myth # 3

Forgiving means reconciliation, we must be friends again. I honestly believed that I would have to socialize with this person, allow him to greet me in the usual family like ways - hugs and kisses! - if I forgave him/them. Not so. Forgiving is to do with something done in the past and does not necessarily lead to reconciliation. It can but does not have to. That step is totally up to the person doing the forgiving. I opted to forgive and I began to pray for my abusers but I didn't remain in touch.

Myth # 4

Forgiving is something you do for someone else NOT for your self. I thought I was giving my violator a gift of love - which in a sense I was BUT it was first and foremost a gift to me. I was the one who was immediately gaining a lighter spirit and the ability to move forward in my life. I was giving myself the gift of freedom and love.

Myth # 5

By not forgiving I'm telling my abuser how much I hate him and how wrong what he did was: that somehow I needed to withhold forgiveness because otherwise he would think I loved him. I felt this more than thought it. But it was real and stopped me from releasing all the baggage.

These myths, I came to find out were common. When fear is driving our thinking, myths are easy to hang on to. It takes courage to forgive and move on and when that courage is lacking we do tend to make things up to make sense of our present state of existence.

Forgiveness is an ongoing process. It is not a one time event. This is actually another myth: that it takes just one decision and daily doses of forgiveness is not necessary.

It is after all a mindset, not just a one-time decision. It is a mindset that must be nurtured daily. We also have to reflect on our beliefs (some are myths) to be sure we're thinking the thoughts that will create the outcomes we seek. (Think cause and effect; thoughts are the cause and our experience is the effect.)

Wishing you all the peace and joy and love you can muster!
♥♥♥
JuletteMillien

Top 11 Reasons to NOT Forgive

julette@myforgivenesskit.com (Julette Millien) — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 21:40:00 GMT

Some of these might sound funny (ish) but at one point or another, each one of them was said to me. And in most cases folks were deeply serious.

So, why aren't you forgiving again?

1. I like being by yourself, really I do.

2. The offending person is dead, gone or just out of my life anyway

3. I’ve gotten comfortable with emptiness

4. I don’t really like meeting new people anyway, no mater how great they might be

5. If I forgive, then that means they’ll have control over my actions

6. They don’t deserve to be released from all this negative energy

7. I actually enjoy being right, no matter what

8. Why should I have to do anything (like forgive) when I didn’t even do anything wrong

9. I hate change and forgiving would mean way too much changing

10. I have no kids so I don’t need to be a role model for anybody

11. People with a hateful heart might need to forgive, but I’m really not that

Hmmmm....as much as we think folks are crazy to think a certain way, the real value of extreme sounding positions is that they give us an opportunity to reflect and check our own beliefs. Sometimes beliefs are buried, we only see or hear the tip of the iceberg.

Read these again and see if any of them resonate, beneath the surface, where only you may travel... Then go for a nice long walk and just think about how best to proceed.

Wishing you an abundance of peace and light,
Julette Millien
♥~

Forgetting and Forgiving - Do they have to go together?

julette@myforgivenesskit.com (Julette Millien) — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 16:28:00 GMT

Absolutely Not!

Archbishop Desmond Tutu once said,

"Forgiving is not forgetting; it's actually remembering -- remembering and not using your right to hit back. It's a second chance for a new beginning. And the remembering part is particularly important. Especially if you don't want to repeat what happened."

What would be the point of going through a horrific experience, recovering, forgiving and healing and then forgetting all about the life lessons you gained from the experience?

There are always life lessons – they can be simple or profound. But there is always something to gain from an experience. The negative experiences are particularly useful. They have tremendous teaching power. They help you to NOT make the same mistakes again and again.

If we TRY – because it’s usually not possible anyway, to forget – to forget an experience we run the risk of forgetting the lessons, insights and “never-do’s”.

So my advice is to NOT try to forget. Remember what you learned; remember as many details as would be helpful in present situations.

It doesn’t mean you didn’t forgive because you’re remembering, necessarily. If you’re remembering with pain and anger and hopes of revenge obviously you have not forgiven.

But if you’re remembering factually and wisely AND you’re able to think of the violator as a human who made a mistake and perhaps even think of him/her with love then you’re remembering in a very useful, forgiving and powerful way.

Forgiving is a wise and courageous process. It's a creative process in that you get to start all over again; create a new relationship sometimes, take horrific events and re-create them to be something powerful and useful in your life.

So if you’re ‘forgiving’ yet proceeding to make the same mistakes, forcing you to have to forgive the same violations over and over, I would suggest that you’re not really forgiving…you’re letting people ‘off the hook’ with perhaps an expectation of something – love, being better, acceptance, approval, admiration…the act of forgiveness becomes a bargaining chip with this approach. This is manipulation, not forgiveness.

Forgiving is empowering and it’s NOT for the faint-hearted! Remembering is important.

An exercise:

    1. Write 3 things you did this week that you regret.

    2. Answer this question: "What did I learn?" (means you must remember…)

    3. Do this: Make a decision to FORGIVE yourself and move on in joy

The baggage of guilt, disappointment or anxiety may not immediately disappear with this decision – it really depends upon your clarity and intention. If you have a powerful epiphany of forgiveness, you can feel an immediate sense of lightness and release. If you are unsure, the process can begin today but the benefits may not be immediately realized.

It’s all up to you and what you really want for your life, today. ♥~

Wishing you an Abundance of Joy, Light and Love,

Julette Millien

"I am so sorry for not being the person you met!"

julette@myforgivenesskit.com (Julette Millien) — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 22:31:00 GMT

This letter below hit a nerve. When it was shared with me, I knew immediately that this experience of being one way in a relationship and then another is something many of us go through...from one perspective or another.

It's not as intentional as it appears. Perhaps by reading this, you might see the behavior from a less pained perspective.

Everyone wants to be seen in the best possible light!

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Dear Pat,

I owe you an apology. If ever a person deserved an apology, you do.

I am so sorry for not being the person you met. Really I am.

I had the best intentions. I honestly didn’t mean to fool you. I wanted to be the best I could be and you gave me that opportunity. You saw in me the best there was of me. For that I will always be grateful because for 8 months I’ve had the chance to be the person I only dreamed about being.

You see I grew up thinking I was a waste of God’s time. Why would he make someone who served no purpose? I didn’t seem capable of doing anything right.

Then you came along and said I had a gorgeous smile and made you feel good about being alive.

That blew my mind. So I grabbed the opportunity to be all I ever dreamed I could be.

It wasn’t a conscious decision to fool you; it was just me running away with feeling good.

Then, the usual fears started to creep back into my mind and heart. I started to feel like an imposter. I guess because in a way I was.

But was I really? It just felt so good to be loved and appreciated. To be thought of as necessary.

Anyway, I just want to apologize for fooling you so well for so long. Now that you see my fears and my anger – hurt really, it just looks like anger. But now that you see it all, I know you must think the worst of me.

I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to mislead you. I really wish I was that happy, peaceful, whole and lovable person you met. Maybe one day. Today I’ve got issues to resolve.

So, I offer my deepest apology to you. Please know I will always love you for helping me to feel lovable. Thank you for seeing the best in me. Maybe now or one day I might see it too.

Take good care and love always,

XXX

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Has this ever happened to you? Either of the roles?

People very seldom sit around planning to deceive. It usually happens as part of an attempt to be loved.

Forgiveness can take this relationship to a whole other level. But that's another story!

Wishing you an abundance of love and light,

Julette Millien