Forgetting and Forgiving - Do they have to go together?

Posted by Julette Millien at 7/10/2009 11:28 AM
Categories: Forgiveness Process
Tags: Desmond Tutu forgetting Forgiveness
Absolutely Not!   


Archbishop Desmond Tutu once said,

 

"Forgiving is not forgetting; it's actually remembering -- remembering and not using your right to hit back.  It's a second chance for a new beginning.  And the remembering part is particularly important.  Especially if you don't want to repeat what happened."

What would be the point of going through a horrific experience, recovering, forgiving and healing and then forgetting all about the life lessons you gained from the experience?

 

There are always life lessons – they can be simple or profound.  But there is always something to gain from an experience.  The negative experiences are particularly useful.  They have tremendous teaching power.  They help you to NOT make the same mistakes again and again.

 

If we TRY – because it’s usually not possible anyway, to forget – to forget an experience we run the risk of forgetting the lessons, insights and “never-do’s”.

 

So my advice is to NOT try to forget.  Remember what you learned; remember as many details as would be helpful in present situations.

 

It doesn’t mean you didn’t forgive because you’re remembering, necessarily.  If you’re remembering with pain and anger and hopes of revenge obviously you have not forgiven. 

 

But if you’re remembering factually and wisely AND you’re able to think of the violator as a human who made a mistake and perhaps even think of him/her with love then you’re remembering in a very useful, forgiving and powerful way.

 

Forgiving is a wise and courageous process.   It's a creative process in that you get to start all over again; create a new relationship sometimes, take horrific events and re-create them to be something powerful and useful in your life.

So if you’re ‘forgiving’ yet proceeding to make the same mistakes, forcing you to have to forgive the same violations over and over, I would suggest that you’re not really forgiving…you’re letting people ‘off the hook’ with perhaps an expectation of something – love, being better, acceptance, approval, admiration…the act of forgiveness becomes a bargaining chip with this approach. This is manipulation, not forgiveness.

 

Forgiving is empowering and it’s NOT for the faint-hearted! Remembering is important.

An exercise:

 

    1.  Write 3 things you did this week that you regret.
 
    2.  Answer this question: "What did I learn?"  (means you must remember…)
 
    3.  Do this: Make a decision to FORGIVE yourself and move on in joy
 

The baggage of guilt, disappointment or anxiety may not immediately disappear with this decision – it really depends upon your clarity and intention.  If you have a powerful epiphany of forgiveness, you can feel an immediate sense of lightness and release. If you are unsure, the process can begin today but the benefits may not be immediately realized.

 

It’s all up to you and what you really want for your life, today. ♥~

 

Wishing you an Abundance of Joy, Light and Love,

Julette Millien


 

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