Shame and Guilt - When is it too much?

Posted by Julette Millien at 12/1/2009 2:47 PM
Categories: Self-Forgiveness, Apologies
Tags: guilt Iowa College thief forgive yourself FIRST shame
Does it ever serve any good purpose?  I had to tweet a quickie on this news story a moment ago.

Reading this story about an Iowa person who sent $500 to a college where s/he stole something back in 1955 (!!) made me ponder this thought..."what purpose do they serve, guilt and shame?" 

In his/her note, the writer shared how this act of stealing a transistor radio some 44 years ago created shame yet insufficient resolve and is now asking for forgiveness...from school officials and from God as well.

I had to wonder - what did 44 years of this shame, inaction and mindset cause him/her to endure?  Did their self-image suffer? Was there a cloud of negativity around their celebrations?  Did they parent differently? Were they quickly forgiving of others?  Or did they hang onto to bad feelings longer and stronger?

What did they put themselves through...UNNECESSARILY...for 44 years?  As the college president said, s/he would've been forgiven for this act so long ago, if forgiveness was needed.  I wonder if a big deal was made of this missing radio back when it was stolen...perhaps this is how it got blown out of proportion in this person's mind? I don't know, but whatever the explanation it is a sad commentary on how we process wrong doing in our culture, for the most part.

We HANG ON to "stuff" way too long.  Whether it's towards ourselves or to others, we hang on to negative baggage with compulsive and deeply rooted story lines.

A bad thing is done...a small thing even, and BINGO...we suddenly go into a kind of emotion overdrive.  We feel bad, which feeds the unresolved bad feelings of yesterday, stirring things up all over again. Before we know what's really happening, we're having complete reviews and flashbacks of all the wrongs we have done in all the years we have lived.

This is how I remain stuck in pain for years.  The sad, or even sadder thing was with me, it wasn't even something I HAD DONE wrong.  It was a wrong done to me as a child and yet the shame and guilt was mine for years and years.  An earlier post explains...
The cycle can only be broken with a change of heart and mind. 
  • Decide to forgive...yourself for what was done AND for feeling shame and guilt beyond what would be a healthy part of remorse
  • Then decide to make amends however possible, to the person(s) offended
If you were the one offended or violated:
  • Loose the shame and guilt immediately - YOU ARE NOT the things done to you
  • Decide what's more important - being right and hurt, burdened with pain OR being light and lifted up with joy and peace ( I know, not even a fair question but it often does come down to those choices)
Guilt and shame - do they serve a purpose?  Remorse, feeling badly about doing something as you feel empathy for what you have caused is fine if it propels you into action to make amends, provide an explanation and offer an apology.  Beyond that, remorse becomes guilt and shame and they serve absolutely no good purpose. 

It's rather self-indulgent really...to get all consumed with your own bad feelings, instead of getting to the business of making things better for everyone, including yourself.

OK...I hope some guilt or shame got dislodged as I wrote and as you read.  What a cozy home they create for themselves in our psyche! They become part of our personality and our story. Be careful, be vigilant!

Be well,
Julette Millien
♥♥♥

 

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