Forgiving Yourself

Posted by Julette Millien at 2/25/2009 2:00 PM
Categories: Forgiveness: Core Mindset


Someone once said to me “I am not a selfish person. I’m actually self-less because I do for everyone first without any bad feelings about it.  I simply love people and love making them happy. Plus, it’s just the right thing to do”

And I said “Yikes.”  

Taking that thinking a bit further, I had to ask “so what do you think about forgiveness, do you forgive others more easily than you do yourself?”

Her answer was a resounding ‘YES, of course!”

She honestly believed that is was right and good to put others before her self.  As a Mom she practiced that approach daily; even putting her children before her husband.  Her argument was that they (her children) came from her body and so no matter what, they will always be her children.  She felt husbands do leave sometimes and so there was no built in permanence about their role.

Second Yikes!

She seemed to have a pattern of missing the mark in her prioritizing.

Here’s the thing, and I’m sure you’ve heard it before, if you don’t put the oxygen mask on yourself first, when the plane is in trouble, how will you save your children or anyone else?

It seems like common sense doesn’t it?  That’s because it really is.  How on earth can we take care of others if we’re not refueled, re-energized and rested?

It’s the same concept with forgiveness.  The more you are able to forgive yourself, the lighter you will be and hence the easier it will be to forgive others.  Not to mention, if you haven’t experienced the joy of forgiving yourself you will not be so eager to forgive others. (Sidebar: where on earth did the phrase “not to mention” ever come from, does it even make sense??)

Consider how much easier it is to sell something you have used and loved using.

When you forgive others because ‘it’s the right thing to do’ without really understanding the value and deeper spiritual meaning of forgiveness, it doesn’t work for very long.  The energy and motivation to forgive wears thin! It’s like selling something you don’t really believe in…lots of work!

What’s the point of forgiveness anyway?  To reduce or eliminate the baggage of anger or pain by dropping the load of negativity and freeing yourself up to truly live and to truly love. Guilt is a serious weight, just like anger is towards others.  Guilt is anger turned inward.

If you are not forgiving yourself and you’re carrying around a bunch of guilt then your forgiveness of others will not have the impact it could in your life.   

Imagine a person with a whole slue of bags in both hands.  One hand represents the guilt of self-directed anger and the other hand has all those bags of anger towards others.

If you’re busy releasing only those bags in one hand but not the other, will you experience any real lightness in your life?  Not really.  Imbalance will be the result.

You will still be a person in pain.  And a person in pain doesn’t really get to enjoy the benefits of forgiveness.  

So, what’s the solution?

Forgive yourself first.  Experience the joy and lightness of being guilt free and filled with only love for your self.  

Forgiving yourself IS loving yourself.  From that place of love, forgiving other people will be almost effortless. You will experience the real joy of dropping that load of anger and/or pain.

Forgiveness is a mindset.  You don’t really have it if you dole it out selectively.  You don’t have the forgiveness mindset if you won’t forgive yourself first.

You’re not really self-less and filled with love for others if you haven’t given yourself the ultimate gift of love, forgiveness. 

What can you give that you have none of? You have to have it to give it.

So, love yourself with the gift of forgiveness SO THAT you can love and forgive everyone else.

What do you need to forgive yourself for?
  1. GO ahead, make a list. 
  2. Then one by one tell yourself that by crossing it off, you are removing it from your list of mess-ups. 
  3. Place it now on a list of ‘lessons learned.’

Remember forgiveness is a mindset.  If you practice thinking about things in a way that empowers you and encourages you instead of condemning you, over time this mindset will become natural and automatic.

So instead of ‘dang, why did I screw that up like that’ it will become ‘now let me see what I can get out of this experience because at first glance it looks like I didn’t handle it as I thought I would or could.’

We are so quick to condemn ourselves!

Go easy, love yourself and develop a forgiveness mindset. 
You’ll find a kind of joy and lasting peace like never before!

In Light and With Love,
Julette
♥♥♥

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