Saying Sorry FOR REAL!

Posted by Julette Millien at 2/20/2009 10:49 AM
Categories: Real Stories Real Decisions

I read Chris Brown's statement and was aghast. I hope he was in touch with his battered girlfriend  - or ex-girlfriend with a sincere apology because this statement missed the mark.

Here's his statement:

 
 "Words cannot begin to express how sorry and saddened I am over what transpired. I am seeking the counseling of my pastor, my mother and other loved ones and I am committed, with God's help, to emerging a better person. Much of what has been speculated or reported on blogs and/or reported in the media is wrong. While I would like to be able to talk about this more, until the legal issues are resolved, this is all I can say except that I have not written any messages or made any posts to Facebook, on blogs or any place else. Those posts or writing under my name are frauds."


Let's take a closer look.  First of all,  "saddened over what transpired?" An "I" statement needs to be in there.  When we're sorry we need to use the responsible, accountable voice of "I" so "saddened over WHAT I DID," would be a vast improvement.


Beyond that point a statement of apology (which granted this may not have been designed to be that, but as it is the first statement since the event, it would've been sensitive to make it a public apology to Rihanna FOR REAL) should be about the other person; the person violated or offended.  I mean, we're glad to hear the humility of seeking help and wanting to be better but if that takes the place of acknowledging the wrong that was done and showing real remorse,then it's simply not enough.


The rest of his statement is about him and his concern about people misrepresenting him - NOT relevant to an apology unless of course things were said that made the matter worse.


This statement is primarily about Chris Brown when it should be about Rihanna and her pain.


In apologizing a first question to ask yourself is "What did I do to violate this person?"


The guiding principles of an apology are HUMILITY, LOVE and SINCERITY.  As for Chris' statement, there's some humility, a touch of sincerity (can't speak to what's in his heart, just talking about the words and focus!) and I really don't feel or hear the love.

Instead of a written statement, I would've done a live statement from the heart.

You have to recognize the person's pain and  feel sincerely compassionate about what you've done if you want that person to hear you.  A great deal of remorse is necessary. Not guilt.  Guilt is to do with you and how sorry you are for yourself. Remorse is a recognition of the wrong that was done and feeling badly about it with a deep desire to make things right, or better. Guilt comes from fear and anxiety and is anchored in the past.

True sadness about having caused pain to another is healthy.  Guilt is not.  It takes humility to be remorseful.

After offending someone or worse violating them, love, which will give rise to humility and sincerity is the most powerful motivation to feel.  This is not about being in love with the person or even with loving them specifically.  I

It's about love being in your heart for yourself, forgiving yourself and wanting to show love and regard for someone. you've hurt  Loving people in general is a great guide at these times.

Loving life and the power of forgiveness will focus your thoughts and actions during difficult times.


So the questions to ask and answer with an apology are:

What did I do to violate this person? [Acknowledge in apology]

How did I offend them? [Acknowledge in apology - with "I" statements]]

How can I demonstrate my remorse?

How can allow love back into the equation? [Forgive yourself, be silent, pray, meditate, etc]

Am I guilty or remorseful?

What can I do to move from guilt to remorse? [FORGIVE yourself and think of person violated]

How can I make amends? [At least OFFER!]

How can I say "I'm sorry" with words AND actions?


Three simple words (believe or not OFTEN left out of n apology) are: I AM SORRY!

There's power in simple.

If love is your guide, sincerity and humility will be evident.

Just think, what would you want in an apology?


With Much Love,

Julette

♥♥♥

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