How can I forgive when I'm being BLAMED?

Posted by Julette Millien at 1/30/2009 3:19 PM
Categories: Real Stories Real Decisions

I was sitting and thinking about a question - a series of questions, posed to me by a person in Rwanda.  Survivors of genocide are asking how can forgiveness be even thought about!  And I understand.   Not the pain, but the question.

Their many questions can be distilled to that one outraged posture.  How is it even possible to consider forgiveness for the horrific crimes committed?

I have to give serious thought to this and I'm sharing here my first thoughts on one of their many questions:   How do I forgive when I am being blamed?

This has been asked by many.  Not just the survivors of horrific crimes in Africa.  Wives have asked it  of me after being beaten up by a mate - "how do I forgive him when he's blaming me?"

People have asked it when their abuser (all varieties) have refused to be accountable and then go one step further and tell them it's their fault!

It's a tough one.

If we agree that forgiveness is 1) RIGHT, is 2) based on TRUTH in our religious books (have not reviewed one holy book of the many religions around the world that did not speak to the fundamental requirement of forgiveness) AND it  3) provides the benefits we value, THEN the question becomes: Is it OK to make an exception to the TRUTH, and what ignore what is RIGHT  and beneficial when circumstances are particularly difficult, outrageous or horrific?

Are exceptions to forgiveness acceptable?

If someone is blaming you for what they have done to you, that MUST add the proverbial salt in the wound.  It must be extremely painful to process.  It makes forgiving much more of  a challenge. 

BUT it doesn't make it any less necessary.  It makes it MORE necessary.

Consider this.  Who is forgiveness for?  Who does it help first and foremost?

Nelson Mandela says "not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die."

Forgiving is for the victim turned survivor.  It's a gift to YOU if you have been violated.

So if forgiving someone when they've done something small helps you to reduce your load and feel better about life (a sure benefit of forgiveness) what happens when they do something big, or even HORRIBLE? 

Doesn't it follow that the anger, hurt, despair, rage, hate would be bigger to match the offense?  Isn't the load of pain, outrage and suffering more when the crime is more? Isn't there more impact to your life?

And if  the load is bigger, is it safe to say that the need to forgive even bigger?

Doesn't  the victim turned survivor benefit even more?  When you drop a heavy load aren't you MORE relieved?

If this is so, then it absolutely follows that forgiving "bigger" offenses are even more necessary.  It follows then that the bigger the offense the more urgent the need for forgiveness.  That's IF being free of the pain is what you seek.

Yes, being blamed by an abuser makes the offense bigger, the outrage more intense, the pain deeper and consequently, the need for forgiveness higher. 

Saying "I forgive you" DOES NOT say the crime wasn't so bad.  It doesn't communicate agreement with what was done.  Likewise, refusing to forgive DOES NOT communicate to the world, the abuser or the criminal that the crime was horrific.

The crime did that on its own.

Your actions after the fact must be centered on YOUR need to heal and put an end to the suffering caused by the crime or violation. NOT forgiving the person's action/behavior CONTINUES the negative impact your life.  By not forgiving you are empowering them to continue hurting you.

It's only by forgiveness you can put an end to the pain and the person's power over your life.

I would recommend seeing the act of being blamed by a an abuser as insanity.  The person is obviously not in their right mind.

So how can you permit an imbalanced person  to be in control your life?

I will respond more fully to these questions from Rwanda. 

Until then,  I just wanted to share my first thoughts. 

What do you think about forgiving some one who is blaming you for your pain?

In Light and with Love,
Julette
♥♥♥

A beautiful song of apology ▼▼▼

http://interniche.net/music/forgiveness.mp3  (written by Rick Beneteau)






 

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