Can Jennifer Hudson Forgive Without Forgetting?

Posted by Julette Millien at 10/29/2008 2:10 PM
Categories: Trauma and Grief

Jennifer Hudson's grief this week is unimaginable for me.  I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around loosing 3 family members at one time, one my mother and another an adored child.   The grief is just unimaginable.

I was wondering how Jennifer is managing the grief and started thinking of how I would advise her, if she asked.   How simplistic it must sound to someone in her shoes - you must forgive - How horribly NOT compassionate  and unloving it might sound. 

It's actually the most loving advice.  It's what would reduce the pain.  But is it realistic?  Is it even possible to forgive something that is unforgettable?

Another American Idol star, Katharine McPhee sang a song  called  CAN I FORGIVE WITHOUT FORGETTING.  

It's something people ask me about frequently.  What does it really mean? Does remembering mean not forgiving?

Jennifer will probably never forget this event.  By their nature, most of our horrible memories are just that, memorable.  The mind holds on to these images.

But does remembering the images, the facts  and even the emotions after an event mean you will continue to FEEL the emotions? No. Not necessarily.  I remember many horrible events of my life without the emotions taking me over.   My God, I'd be a basket case, constantly, if my feelings around betrayal, abuse, rape, etc, kept haunting me, each time I remembered these events!

Believe me, you can forgive and keep your memories.  You can forgive and not forget.  It's unrealistic to  think we must forget.  We actually shouldn't forget.  It's healthy to remember so you can avoid similar mistakes or places and it's important to remember so you can tell your story to help others. 

What you don't want to do is keep a scorecard of wrong doings.  You don't want to remember to the point of reminding people of the mistakes they've made or using those mistakes against them.  

I've found when people ask that question, they're really asking can I forgive and REMIND others of their violations!  No, that wouldn't be forgiveness.  Remembering doesn't mean reminding.

So remember your 'stuff.'  But please, release the emotions that imprison you.

Here's my advice to Jennifer and to anyone forgiving and 'forgetting' any traumatic event.

  1. Feel what you're feeling, just feel it...the grief, the rage, the anger, the numbness, the fear, the sadness, the emptiness...whatever you feel, give yourself complete permission to feel it, own it and call it yours.  Because it is.  And you won't move from those emotions if you don't loose the guilt or shame or concern about whatever judgment others may cast.  There is no shame in our emotions as they relate to horrific events.   So feel it. Be present in this very moment.
  2. Decide to provide a cut-off to the debilitating, paralyzing emotions.  Make a decision to move towards the emotions of healing.  Make a decision to forgive.
  3. Be active: Write in your journal, create a scrapbook of mementos of this event, speak out the pain to loving listeners and/or professionals - like counselors, spiritual leaders, pray unceasingly, support those who need help
  4. Accept your grieving process, permitting yourself the space to "relapse" into #1 but DON'T STAY THERE
  5. Visualize the perpetrator as a pained, pathetic and sick individual


Now #5 is where the resistance comes.  But that doesn't make it any less necessary.  For a person to violate children, kill a CHILD, rape people, murder family members, they HAVE to be sick.  That is not normal behavior.

If it helps to see them as they are, why not?  And it does help.  Try it.  It is much harder to be hateful towards sick people.

Fact is, forgiving is necessary.  To move forward after the horror of an event like this, you need spiritual strength and that won't happen without forgiveness.

But you can't just say it and call it done.  There are real emotions, human despair that must be acknowledged and released before moving on to forgiving the guilty.

Follow these five steps: Feel, Decide, Be active, Accept and Visualize, and keep alert for the lessons along the way.

I say to people in pain, sometimes  even before they can hear me, we must learn something from every single experience we find ourselves in the midst of, every one.   The lessons learned are to help someone, somewhere, someday.  A bit tough to swallow but no less true.

The Hudson family as well as the many families suffering around the world are in my prayers today.  This too shall pass.


In Light Light and With Love,

Julette

♥♥♥

@julettemillien


 

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