Forgiveness and Father’s Day: A Conversation I’ve Had Many Times
A wise man, Dr. Therman Evans asked this: How can the tree curse the seed?
Just think about it for a moment…picture the big old oak tree big and mighty in the countryside, or an apple tree standing in its orchard among many, cursing the seed from which it came. Having little or no respect for the power of the seed, the tree is actually forgetting from whence it came. The thing is this: There would be no tree without the seed! Now the tree might have every reason to be dissatisfied with aspects of the seed’s ‘behavior,’ but certainly it must recognize the truth of the life cycle. There simply would be no tree without the seed.
So it is with fathers and children…we CANNOT exist without them. Many faltered and many excelled at their job, but they were all human.
So, am I permitted to be upset with my father…would that be considered ‘cursing the seed?’
Yes, just as he is human, you are too. You certainly can be upset; the question is for how long and how deeply? Deeply and long enough to ruin your life? Hmmm……
Our Fathers make mistakes. They neglect their children sometimes. They are absent and demonstrate little love sometimes. They just don’t get who we are sometimes. Forget about communication and validation and all that good stuff…some dads just don’t get it. The impact on us – daughters and sons – can be huge. So yes, exercise your human right to be upset. Then what?
Being upset, or just not at peace with my father and his role (or lack of) in my life really has been a major theme in my life…for as long as I can remember really. Am I supposed to just forget about all this pain and chaos and for some of my friends, indifference and coldness? “Just release it” sounds nice and easy, but it really isn’t you know.
I know. Believe me I know. It’s a process. But as it’s Father’s Day – hallmark though it is – I think it’s a great symbolic time to make a commitment to find peace on the daddy issue. And if you can bring yourself to release him from this frozen place of pain and/or indifference, you can even begin to create a brand new relationship. Depending on how long it’s been since you’ve had a great relationship with your father, you might both be brand new people anyway; you might as well form a new relationship. That’s the beauty of forgiveness, you get to create something brand new, if you’d like.
This is really hard to process, emotionally, because when I think about how my life has been as a result of his mistakes and violations, I get angry all over again. I mean, my personal relationships are a mess, I can’t seem to get close to anybody and not feel a kind of turmoil in my spirit. There’s something about emotional intimacy that just gets me tight and anxious. My self-esteem is up and down, mostly down. I’m producing a fraction of what I could be in my work. There are so many outcomes. Not having an involved and mature father is extremely damaging to a child’s development. But I guess I’m no longer a child, right?
Wow, you’re practically psychic , how’d you know I was thinking just that thought. You are no longer a child, how about that! But you know, the hurts and pains have no sense of age or time. They just are! It’s up to us and our own sense of wisdom to retire what needs to be retired and create what we need to create in our lives to permit joy and love, grace and mercy to exist. You have to set the limit – after permitting what simply “is” to exist and be aired and validated, then yes, please do move on. Life and love demands it! Being a mature adult can really be a challenge, I know.
Let me ask you a few questions now: Are you upset with your Dad because of what he did originally, or for how you responded? Is it the offense or the consequences that lingers, causing fresh ‘upsetness’ each day?
Well, that requires some thought. It’s been a while you know! By him not being there when I needed him to be so many bad things happened to me…
I wouldn’t say “bad” things happened – no need really to place loaded labels on outcomes (we take them so personally – labels, I mean.) Unproductive behaviors and challenging times result, depending on our responses to life’s circumstances – that’s how I would suggest you reframe that thought.
OK, I receive that …makes sense to me. I’ll rephrase. By him not being there when I needed him to be, many unproductive, habitual behaviors and thought patterns were developed over time. So the original violation, for me didn’t ‘happen’ once and that was it – it’s an ongoing absence that kept happening and reinforcing my reactions…does that make sense?
Perfect sense to me. For some people father issues can be traced back to a single event or series of discreet events, early in life…and for some, like you it feels like it’s the whole of the relationship, as the entire relationship dynamic becomes tainted with the history and thoughts of hurt and disappointment. It’s a tough place to exist, especially for a person who knows better!! When you know what’s missing from your life and you get sufficient knowledge and insight to be able to trace presents hurts back to their source, remaining in the grip of un-forgiveness is itself painful. We then begin that awful process of beating up on self.
I say come to a complete full stop – “Tree (you’re the tree!) STOP cursing yourself or your seed – your source of life itself, accept what ever is or has been the story, let it breathe for a moment, then give it a deadline for causing anymore hurt and pain in your life.” Now since this is Father’s Day weekend, how powerfully symbolic it would be to just drop it all, it time to begin the creation of a brand new relationship! Can you think of a better gift – for you and him?
Sounds good. I have another question. What about those fathers who have passed on, leaving behind children (adult children too – my friend is who I’m thinking about with this question) with tons of unresolved issues. What choice do they have with moving forward?
They can do exactly the same thing as if their dad was alive. It’s really the same process. Whatever your beliefs are about after-life…you can move forward. I think we get to deal with death so that we can get pointed back to life. God wants us to live fully, here and now so we get death as a reminder to live at our highest and best, today. (See a great book by Dr. Therman Evans at www.drthermanevans.com – What in Hell do You Want? for more on living at your highest and best.)
The other thought that has helped me in dealing with my father’s death in the midst of a challenging relationship is this: in the spirit realm, I can’t imagine that people lack wisdom. It makes no sense to me that people would die and move on to a realm of existence where they get less enlightened. I think of my Dad being much more wise and forgiving wherever he may be and whatever form he may be in. I know he has forgiven me for whatever mistakes I made in our relationship…and he knows, for sure, that I forgave him. From this perspective, I now ‘speak’ to him as if we’re having the best rapport and the most loving connection.
Dead or alive, you really have no choice. Forgiveness is the only path to healing and to wholeness. Hanging onto anger, hurts and disappointments is hurting you the most. So why not let go?
I get that. Why not let go? The answer to that question ( I can come up with a few reasons why I haven’t let go) can’t possibly justify the pain I’m causing myself. And it is Father’s Day, so an extra dose of love and understanding is a good thing. I’ll out-hallmark Hallmark themselves!
When I step out of the hurt and disappointment, I do have some good memories buried that I can take out, brush off and use to push me forward. I mean he really wasn’t all bad, there were some good times and some loving gestures…
Yes, if we try hard enough, go back far enough most of us can come up with something to be grateful for about our Dads. So dwell on that for a moment and see where it leads.
I wish you all the best and much love.
Thank you for this. It was good. Very good.
Thank you for sharing. Someone will be blessed.
- Julette Millien
www.MyForgivenessKit.com
This was certainly an in-depth study of fathers and forgiveness. None of us is perfect, but we're all we have, and have to treat each other with respect and love. Friendship is in a class by itself and will come later. Let's get the love and respect first, all else will follow. It is evident that this was shared after much thought and research. Congrats!!
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Excellent heart wrenching truth, something to be gained by all mankind. Thanks Julette!
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It is my belief that everyone has someone to forgive - starting with- self! We must forgive ourselves for harbouring issues that life is going to bring and for not completely trusting in the Lord. Everyone can benefit from forgiving. Matt 6:12 advises us to forgive our debtors.
I'd suggest the following:
1)The Holy Bible
2) "How to keep people from getting on your Last Nerve"...by Dr. Therman E Evans at www.drthermanevans.com
3)www.MyForgivenessKit.com by Julette Millien
Great article!
God bless!
www.InspirationalRainBows.com
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You're so gifted at helping others Julette. This article demonstrates another example of this. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and looking forward to reading more from you!! Peace and blessings to you always.
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AJ - This conversation regarding unforgiveness as it relates to fathers is so relevant!! I can't tell you how many discussions I've had with youth and adults whom carry bags of unforgiveness, bitterness and sometimes even hatred towards their dads. What a heavy load!! While I refrain from judgment, I am aware of what Luke 6:37 reads among other verses. But of course this is easy for me to quote. Thank God my dad was always there. I can only imagine how they feel. Yes, I am sympathetic to those who have difficulty forgiving their dads. Your conversation sounds like more evidence to underscore the importance of praying for each other as much as we pray for ourselves. Perhaps even more!!! Thank you for this...I'll be sharing with others!!
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I know this so well. I've spoken to many young - and old! - people who are hurting themselves, cutting off their blessings and basically surrendering their power to a person who did whatever he did out of fear, pain and a need for love. Young people have such a hard time seeing thier parents as 'people' too; with aches, pains, issues and the whole thing. Some of us have more baggage than the airport!
You're doing much needed work reaching out to them. Thanks so much for your post. Luv, aj
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Being a man, it never ceases to amaze me how often we miss one basic and very significant point about fathers and men in general: no man wakes up in the morning thinking or planning to be a bad father or husband. Obviously, through the years our experiences lead us to do things that cause pain and disrupt our families. Now, I’m not excusing the behavior but think about it, isn’t your father the sum total of his experiences with his father or lack there of? Thank God I finally figure it out – my father is no better, unfortunately, that the relationship he had with my grandfather. Too bad my father didn’t know his father; I’d bet he would have been a splendid role model for me as a husband. He wasn’t. That being said, it was up to me to become what one author calls the “transition” person in my family; the one to break the cycle of dysfunction and have a different understanding and appreciation of women and marriage. Just my thoughts.
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Every Sunday night for over three decades I called my mother, and every Sunday night I got off the phone quietly angry again. My mother was a master at pushing my buttons.
After decades, literally, I discovered the secret of how to disarm my buttons, how to actually enjoy my Sunday conversations with my mom with no ill will. My mother was a wonderful, caring, loving lady who did the best that she could do at the time she raised me, and she had financial and emotional challenges also. When I truly GOT that I cannot change another's behavior and GOT that I always have a choice as how I can respond, I had it. I was able to detach the emotions from every button I had. I was able to listen with detachment as my mom pressed and pressed again the buttons to which she previously got responses. Miraculously, I found I could appreciate my mother more from the position of detachment. I could understand why she did what she did. I could feel gratitude for what she had to sacrifice for me when she could have been doing something more to her own liking.
Reading your blog was of value to me because it is always nice to know that others have experienced what I have experienced in life and have found their own answers.
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Fortunately, I have very little to forgive when it comes to my father. I know that he did the best that he could with what he had to work with. Now, as an adult, I have a wonderful relationship with him and any issues from childhood have truly fallen away!
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Wow...thank you for a male perspective here, and such an insightful and compassionate one. I suppose some folks do believe that men (and women too) actually wake up with an intention to cause hurt and pain to others. That perception is of course coming from pain. It's such an important point to make that no one (within reason) wakes up with that explicit negative intention. We do what we do to feel better, safer, more of a valuable man or woman, more understood...whatever the intention, it's most times not about causing pain or just to be mean. That's a key point. "we do the best we can with what we got!" And often we 'got' so little by way of good role models.
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WONDERFUL! That's the way to life. Resolved and at peace. Thanks for sharing that Mindy.
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That "secret"...of how to disarm (what a great way to put it) your buttons and permit your Mom to work out whatever she needed to work out, gave you your life back. Awesome! I remember that too. Getting off the phone with my Mom and...actually even while on the phone sometimes, being so frustrated that once again we ended up at the same place, frustration for me and passive negativity or self-blame from her, Oh! that used to be such a pattern. But thank God for forgiveness! So so true, you can only change you; we only have power over our own reactions. Thank you so much for this post.
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Juliette God has given you a gift that I am so happy you are sharing, you are being obedient to the call of hurting people. Yes, there are many of us out there and who does not have the courage to come forth. You are truly blessed!
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Hi!
Thanks for the encouragement. I do see it as my life's calling to help reduce the pain and darkness of abuse and unforgiveness.
For so many years I was burdened with the impact - on my life, my self-image, my marriage, my relationships - of childhood and other abuse. Just everything is affected by how one responds to abuse.
That's the thing - it's how we respond. The longer we hold on to the pain, the shame and the lack of forgiveness, the longer we surrender our power to another.
God is the only power, certainly not a troubled or insane abuser. So we must let go and let God.
Thank you for your comment!
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